WHEN I GROW UP

Someone today told me I have problems. I am not going to argue that. Here's a few good ones:

I am weird. I need alone time like I need oxygen.

Most of the time, I choose to think rather than react. This prevents a lot of tears and hugs and affection from happening. I rationalize my way in and out of things according to my own beliefs. The validity of these beliefs is, as always, subjective. I think I do the best I can.

I'm hardheaded and while I'd like to say I value other people's opinions, my choice has probably already been made.

And here's the biggest one:

If you don't know me, or even if you do, you might think that I am out of my mind. I suppose 'crazy' is in the eye of the beholder but these things I say and write have to be taken with a grain of salt. I am a hopeless romantic when it comes to dreams and I say things that I may or may not take seriously enough to follow through on. As my friend or reader of my nonsense, you will have to put up with constant rambling about things I want to do and places I want to go.

I love Hawaii and I know I want to 'settle down' here. I love kids and I know I want a family. I love the companionship and intimacy that I know can exist between two people and want to spend infinity with someone who can love me for my bullshit. But none of these things are possible for me right now. I am restless. My imagination will overcome any inclination I feel towards doing what I'm 'supposed to'. According to certain sets of beliefs, I am wasting my education and experience. According to my own, I'm not done learning and experiencing yet.

When I say I want to get off this island, I mean it in the most positive light imaginable. I feel the stresses of the economy. The development of the island wears on me. I get bored. I get tired of myself and my routines. Thinking about something new or something different makes me SO happy. I like change. I like starting over. Those ideas get me stoked! Trust me. I'm okay.

I was also accused of 'having no idea what I want in life'. I both agree and disagree with this. The first thing I felt when I heard this was just overwhelming happiness. It sounded like opportunity and my brain flooded with all the possibilities in the world. I don't want a plan. I don't want black and white goals. I want room for error and time for change. I want to try things out and make mistakes. Life will never give in to the path you decide. I think life wants to take you the long way and let you see the sights. Just because I know what I want in the end doesn't mean I need to commit to it now.

I guess the scary thing is knowing that I have the ability to make any of those things happen and my inability to articulate every real thought on them. The practical thoughts always give way to the raw excitement and hope that overwhelm new ideas. I am insanely passionate about lots of things. This makes it very hard to focus on any one in particular for long amounts of time and probably very annoying for anyone trying to get a grip on what I'm up to.

I describe everything with a nostalgic point of view. I can feel it happening even now. My faults don't seem so bad in my own words and backed up by my own rationalizations. This could mean everything or nothing to you but at the end of the day we are the only ones who have to live with ourselves. This is just what I think and feel for myself. I know that this is not the way most people want things to go and I would never try to pass off my opinion as the all out 'right' way. It's just the right way for me.

In the same vein, when I see people I care about unhappy overall, I have to believe that their program isn't the right one for them or needs to be tweaked or something. Questioning their process is not discrediting their prospective product. I don't have the right to do anything but observe and maybe be concerned for their happiness. And I am. I want the best for everyone. I care about people I know endlessly. Please know that.

When you cut yourself off from other points of view, even the crazy ones, you set yourself up for a lot of frustration and people like me will give you hell. So please take my ideas with a grain or two of salt and don't try to fix me. I am not broken.